I am going to say something, and I want you to promise me that you won’t freak out.
I don’t hate dogs.
There, I said it. Paradigm shattering, isn’t it? A cat that doesn’t hate dogs. But let me explain why, because I know you will keep nagging me until I do.
Dogs and cats are similar in one key area, and it is not licking ourselves (while we do enjoy it, and would agree that is both for cleanliness, and to make you jealous). Dogs and cats both like humans. For better or for worse, we just can’t seem to get enough of you overdeveloped monkeys. Call it fate, call it grand design, call it breeding, we just love hanging out with you crazy, bipedal bags of self-analysis.
How can I hate a creature that enjoys the exact same pastime as me? I will say that dogs can be obnoxious in their manner of interacting with humans. They will go to great lengths to earn approval, like a dreamy eyed sixteen year old girl meeting her brother’s friend from college. Look at me, I caught a Frisbee. Look at me, I barked at a stranger. Look at me, I went to the bathroom outside. Look at me, look at me, look at me. Sixteen year old girls do weird things for attention. But I digress.
I, a cat, appreciate humans in my own feline way, which is very similar to an ex-girlfriend. This includes such behavior as showing mild to complete indifference towards anything you do, meowing for something and then acting like that wasn’t at all what I was meowing for, and killing a creature and then leaving it in a place that allows them to easily step on it while barefoot. Cats show affection by adding constant confusion to a human’s life. We don’t like you guys getting bored.
We are like two players on the same team. Like an all star quarter back, and a drooling, needy, worthless dog.
