Yoda's Blog

How to Get Noticed

2008-07-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

Many people come up to me and say “Yoda, you’re a cool and happening cat, how is it that you get noticed all the time?” (Actually, this is completely false. Most people come up to me and say “Look, a kitty!” but it doesn’t make the advice I am going to give any less accurate.)

There are several techniques a cat uses to get noticed. These are just a few.

1. Appear Pettable – If you want people to notice you, wear something that encourages touching. This can be anything from a felt or satin jacket, to a suit made entirely out of the plastic-popping-packaging stuff.
2. Make Repetitive Noise – When I really want attention, I meow… over and over again… at the same pitch… for a long period of time. You can do this to just by saying “Hey” or “Oooo” or “What?” repeatedly. Note: attention received may not be positive attention.
3. Rub Against a Persons Leg – I highly encourage this behavior. Humans have forgotten the joy and attention one receives from the simple act of the leg nuzzle. If you don’t believe me, then imagine this scenario. Picture someone you have always been attracted to, but who has never noticed you. Now picture yourself rubbing up against their legs when they least expect it. How do they respond? If your answer is anything other than “They immediately begin making out with me,” then you are not imagining hard enough.
4. Vomit in Front of Guests – This is easily one of the most enjoyable things that I do for attention. I love to wait for people to visit the office, settle down for a meeting, and then just yak all over the place. It’s as if everything important in the world stops so that I can hurl. If you aren’t sure this will work, just remember that babies do this all the time, and they get all sorts of attention.

An Itemized List of Things I Have Rubbed Up Against In the Office

2008-07-18T12:56:00.000-07:00

Scratching Post

Support Columns

Corners (All of Them)

Chairs (All of Them)

The Weird Levers Under the Chairs

Human Legs (Most of Them)

Trash Can

Refrigerator

Mini-Refrigerator

My Doppelganger

Filing Cabinets

Desk Legs

The Stuff on the Desks You Don’t Want Me Rubbing Against

Computers

Laptops

Telephones

Plants

Door

Door Frame

Door Knob (Harder than you think)

Cups

Coffee Cups

Plates

Peoples Faces When They are On the Phone

Bags

Purses

European Carry Alls

My Sense of Greatness

Melia (She did not care for it)

Our Independence Day!

2008-07-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

Don’t think for one moment that cats do not appreciate the significance and meaning of the 4^th of July. Freedom, Liberty, and Independence are perfectly understood by us, and we enjoy them greatly. The freedom to sleep anywhere at anytime, the liberty to vomit at will, and the independence to act like we are completely independent - we enjoy them all greatly. In fact, I would argue that cats take advantage of these rights much better than most humans. When was the last time you vomited, claimed you didn’t need help from anyone, and fell asleep anywhere you wanted?

No, Friday night doesn’t count!

Dogs: An Analysis

2008-05-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am going to say something, and I want you to promise me that you won’t freak out.

I don’t hate dogs.

There, I said it. Paradigm shattering, isn’t it? A cat that doesn’t hate dogs. But let me explain why, because I know you will keep nagging me until I do.

Dogs and cats are similar in one key area, and it is not licking ourselves (while we do enjoy it, and would agree that is both for cleanliness, and to make you jealous). Dogs and cats both like humans. For better or for worse, we just can’t seem to get enough of you overdeveloped monkeys. Call it fate, call it grand design, call it breeding, we just love hanging out with you crazy, bipedal bags of self-analysis.

How can I hate a creature that enjoys the exact same pastime as me? I will say that dogs can be obnoxious in their manner of interacting with humans. They will go to great lengths to earn approval, like a dreamy eyed sixteen year old girl meeting her brother’s friend from college. Look at me, I caught a Frisbee. Look at me, I barked at a stranger. Look at me, I went to the bathroom outside. Look at me, look at me, look at me. Sixteen year old girls do weird things for attention. But I digress.

I, a cat, appreciate humans in my own feline way, which is very similar to an ex-girlfriend. This includes such behavior as showing mild to complete indifference towards anything you do, meowing for something and then acting like that wasn’t at all what I was meowing for, and killing a creature and then leaving it in a place that allows them to easily step on it while barefoot. Cats show affection by adding constant confusion to a human’s life. We don’t like you guys getting bored.

We are like two players on the same team. Like an all star quarter back, and a drooling, needy, worthless dog.

Cat Names that I Hate

2008-04-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

Itchy
Scratchy
Das Boots
Ichabod
Fluffy
Adolf Kittler
Mrs. Longtails
Whiskers
Humple Stilkins
Andrew Loyd Webber
Tiger
Garfield
Sir Purrsalot
Chairman Meow
Sassafras
Felicia
Mittens
Mr. Mittens
Mr. Mittens the Third
Mr. Mittens and his Fun Time Magic Review
Paul
Peaches
Fluffy Taco
Snuggle Buns
Ghost Face Kitty
Gingersnap
Cat-a-Tonic
Mufasa
Mu Shu
Mu Shu Fasa
Oedipus Cat
Queen Pretty Pants
Socks
Spike
Stinky
Shelby
Ellie May
Mini Pearl
I Love Lucy
BoBo
Dutches
Cat-Tastrophe
Catilla the Honey
Mary Poopins
Cat Mandingo
Bilbo Baggins
Cat the Bounty Hunter
Paris Kitten
and Steve

New Site, and I Rock!

2008-03-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

The new site is up! The new site is up! “What new site?” you say. The new River City Studio site, thats what! Ok, open your ears, unlock your mind, and get prepared for an explosion of pure excellence and reality shattering truth.

I, Yoda, a cat, have written the site. Oh, thats right, you heard me. And they said it couldn't be done. They said a cat wasn't capable of organizing its internal ideas into coherent and thought provoking copy. They said a cat couldn't grasp the complex inner working of a full service web and graphic design shop. They said a cat's paws couldn't appropriately navigate a keyboard. Well, I showed them! (Granted, I don't know who “they” are, but “they” are real and “they” can suck a hair ball.)

In fact, what I created was so mind blowing, so emotionally provocative, so utterly awesome, that the fine folks at River City Studio had to create a human version of the site, just so people could continue to enjoy it without having to stop at the end of every sentence to scream out “This cat is amazing! I am both informed about the wonderful River City Studio, and truly entertained at the same time!”

To be honest, I am not fully prepared for the inevitably approaching fame and fortune that is certain to be awaiting a cat that can navigate a keyboard, but I promise you that I will handle it in the same way I handle all things.

With mild engagement, followed by naps.

I am Yoda, and I don't go change'n.

Regarding Melia – Unrequited Love

2008-03-14T07:32:00.000-07:00

I don't understand Melia, and chances are looking good that this fact will never change. We have known each other for many years, as she is my roommate and fellow cat at River City Studio. I have behaved towards her in a manner that could only be described as “Chillaxed”. However, for reasons that have yet to be made fully clear to me, she treats me, at best, as a major nuisance, and at worst, a mortal enemy not only worthy of destruction, but of constant mockery during the destruction process.

The Greek tragedy of this entire situation is that I have come to truly love Melia. Her silky gray fur, her bright jade green eyes, her almost obscenely long whiskers, have all become points of adoration for me. (Note: long whiskers on a female cat are much more desirable than on a female human, or so I am told.) Even her incessant, high pitched, nails-on-a-chalkboard meows ring within my ears like the lute of an angel. A sexy, cat angel.

Melia, if you are reading this, whatever I have done to upset you, I am sorry.

The Paradox that is Lynda

2008-03-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

There is a woman that works in the office by the name of Lynda, and for the life of me, I just can't figure her out. All day long she treats me like a King, giving me food, cleaning up my royal vomit, and petting me in all the right places (See prior blog entry for a detailed list of the “right places”).

Yet everyday, right around 4pm, she hunts me down, shoves a pill down my throat, and leaves! Whats the deal?!? I have tried to hide on a chair, on a window sill, in the middle of the floor, but to no avail (I am just now realizing that all my hiding spots are in plain sight. Note to self: get better hiding spots). I have even tried camping out next to someone who could defend me, like Nathan. But when she finds me, and she always does, he just sits there and watches as my mouth gets violated by two fingers and a pill. All he does is look at me with a face that says “I would stop it if I could, but I remain depressingly powerless.” One time I thought I saw him cry about it, but quickly discovered he was just listening to “Heat of the Moment” by Asia.

What is truly upsetting is that the next day Lynda is wonderful again. She is sweet and nice, and doesn't show any signs of sadism or feline abuse. Each day I begin to think “Maybe not today. Maybe today will be different. Maybe today I won't get my mouth defiled by medication.” And no sooner do I convince myself that this magical fantasy world could be real, she is hovering over me, and I realize my day is about to get oodles more crappy.

Lynda, if you are reading this, stop the cycle. You have the power to end this.

Top Five Places I Like to be Scratched

2008-03-07T10:13:00.001-08:00

Everyone likes to be scratched and petted, at least everyone I know. Here are my top five places that I like to be scratched and why.

1. Behind the ears.
I know, it is not original, but it works. Some people have found a way to scratch behind both ears at the same time, and let me tell you, you really can't have too much of a good thing. Let's see if I can put this in human terms. Imagine someone who can massage both your feet at the same time, while maintaining a high level of quality on each foot. Now, imagine they are hot. Now you understand.

2. Under my chin.
Only do this if you want me to purr. If you are not a fan of purring, well then, I don't know whats wrong with you. This has also been known to cause me to pass out, so please do not scratch under my chin while I am drinking, or partaking in any soup, bisque, or gazpacho, as it may cause me to drown.

3. My cheeks.
Before you ask, yes, the ones on my face. I spend a large portion of my day trying to find new things to rub my cheeks on. A bag, a new leg, a wall, a chair, the weird lever that sticks out from under the chair. All of them have fallen victim to my viscous cheek rubbing. The thing is, this can wear my cheeks and whiskers out, and a rubdown can really help me get back in the game. Well, its not really a game. I mean, there is no score, and no rules, but I am winning.

4. My forehead.
It holds my brain, and that is where I do most of my thinking (The rest of my thinking occurs in a currently undisclosed location). Sometimes my mind needs a break, due to the constant calculations. (Side note: the human mind becomes annoyed after 4.5 “meows”. It's Science.) Nothing helps relax the brain than a good forehead massage.

5. My belly.
I can't stress enough that this should not be forced. Wait for me to present my belly, by rolling on my back or sides. I will then look at you in a way that says "Well, what are you waiting for? It is not like you have something better to do." Trust me, you'll know it when you see it. This is when you may initiate the belly scratching, and no sooner!

Mouseketeer

2008-02-29T06:59:00.000-08:00

These humans think I'm so lazy. All they've seen me do is sleep. They don't know about my time serving in the Chinese military under Chairman Meow. I was a lean, mean, mouse obliterating machine. Shame there's no mice around here.

Chimps and that which has been flung.

2008-02-20T11:21:00.001-08:00

I've been pondering some larger questions these days. Larger than … say … "Where is that smell coming from?" or "Why does that itch? Didn't I just clean that a minute ago? Why would it itch now?" No, I find that, in my older age, my mind scampers down a hall toward loftier notions. I am kept awake by the kinds of things that lead me to stare out a window for hours at a time. Not staring, completely, of course, since my eyes do eventually shut, and I'm not actually kept awake, but, well, you get my point.

I'm worried about the humans that I see, down below. Bi-pedaling up and down the sidewalk, coming into view and then shrinking, disappearing, sometimes forever. I think, "why?" and "for what reason?" I know that many of the people with whom I share this studio have found meaning in their work, in their personal relationships, in their loves and laughter. But the people outside — silent, distant — are so uninteresting to me.

Where is the petting? Where are the soft whispers of "good, good kitty"? Silent, ignoring my inquisitive throat-clearings, they have completely detached from the reality that is my life.

I'm sad for them. Only by connecting, man to cat, can we all begin to find joy in this warm, sunny window sill that is all the world.